“What do you mean you won’t fix my roof?”
-I’m sorry ma’am.  This isn’t the Obama-free-money-for-the-irresponsible hotline.

After a severe rainfall:
“The low spot in my yard is full of water”
-I recommend the Shamwow. I also get a 10% kickback if you purchase one from that site.

“The mayor won’t return my call”
-I hear the formation of public trusts can solve issues like this.

“I pay you to pick up trash!  Why doesn’t the city provide trash bags?”
-You also paid for that questionable off-the-street companionship yesterday, shall that come out of the Mayor’s PR budget?  By the way, you don’t have any choice.  We own the trash business.

“I don’t flush my toilette but once a week.  Why is my water bill so high?”
-umm.. What?

“My ONG bill is too high”
-Call AEP, they run billing for ONG now.  We used to, but we got bailed out by them.

“If you don’t …”  insert some unreasonable demand here “I’m gonna sue!”
-The toilette lady already tried.  It was deemed as frivolous as Tulsa Whirld lawsuits.

“My electric bill is too high”
-Call ONG.  They can help you with that.

“mcw needs more training”
-He trains with the firefighters all the time.

“My neighbor waters her yard too much”
-Ah.. that must be the secret to her only having to flush once a week.

“Can I use the fire hydrant to let the kids play in the water? I used to work for you guys, and I know how to operate it.”
-Are your kids on fire?

If the answer to the above question is “Yes,” then the answer is “No.”  You’re obviously too stupid to a be parent and this is nature’s way of breeding out the tards.
If the answer to the above question is “No”, then let them play with matches until the answer is “Yes”.  We can always give nature a helping hand.

“If I give you $1000, will you leave my water on?”
-How much was your last bill?  $36??

“I didn’t pay my water bill, and now the citee is charging me a late fee!”
-I recommend contacting one of our fine citee contractors.  They have a lot of experience in late penalties and weaseling their way out of them, despite a contract (like yours) that mandates such penalties.

“You all need to fire that citeewurkor who blogs!”
- They tried to fire him last week, and he really embarrassed them by kissing the mayor on the lips and begging for forgiveness.  Then he died in a bizarre fire hydrant accident last week.  weird.

“You have a sexy voice, are you single?”
-Yes, but the mayor’s secretly courting me, so back off.